DIY Disasters: Fuck These Kitchens


DIY is a fantastic thing. Do-it-yourself home renovation is all about planning your dream home, nailing the execution, and having pride in a gorgeous living space that you designed and built yourself. Nothing feels better than cooking up a hearty meal in your perfect kitchen, and knowing that you’ve picked up valuable skills along the way.

But the piece-of-shit kitchens we’re about to show you should never have been allowed to happen. The existence of these kitchens makes our days darker, and our nights cold and miserable. These DIY disasters are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.


The first and most important element of DIY renovation is a floorplan. The capable DIY-er meticulously plots the layout of their future kitchen, to make sure any mistakes are caught and corrected before the building stage. In this case, the floorplan of this kitchen was likely designed by a committee of screaming lunatics. There was planning and forethought here, obviously, but the plan was to commit a crime against humanity, and the result was this prison camp of a kitchen. What vicious dictator created this kitchen, and why was he not stopped?

Holy shit, what a God damned mess. The only food fit to be prepared in this kitchen is none of them. The chest-thumping troglodyte that conceived of this abomination should be hunted down and thrown in double jail.

There are good kitchens, there are bad kitchens, and then there is this violent attack on the very idea of kitchens. The feckless sub-human that birthed this nightmare from their deviant mind should be jettisoned into the sun. This kitchen is a dark reminder that there is no true justice, and we will all one day die without dignity.


This kitchen is, at best, a thought crime. If I ever find the name of the filth artist that ushered this abomination into the world, I will go to where they live and hit them in the mouth.


This nightmare of a cooking space seems designed to shock and horrify. If there were a new circle of hell that snared and tortured the very spirit of good architecture, it would be indistinguishable from this abominable kitchen. Get this out of my sight.


This kitchen has all the flash and appeal of toilet water. If you enjoy drinking from the toilet, by all means, enjoy your time in this kitchen, you joyless felon.


You know what, kitchen? Fuck you. Fuck you, kitchen.

This monstrosity of a kitchen offends my eyes, and brings the taste of bile surging into my mouth. This kitchen is a fuck word made manifest, and if I knew where it dwells, I would buy a gallon of gasoline and burn it to the ground.


…I guess this kitchen’s all right.

I feel that the very act of viewing this kitchen has made me vulnerable to the influence of extra-dimensional monsters.  Even now, the image of this God-awful kitchen is summoning space demons to violate my mind.  I can feel taloned hands pawing at the edges of my vision, bleeding their way into this plane of being.  All of this could have been avoided.

Copyright (C), Multiple Listing Service of Long Island, Inc, 2004



I have to re-address how much I hate this God damned kitchen.  I awake nightly from horrible visions of this disastrous kitchen, covered from head to toe in a film of cold sweat.  My sheets are stained with the liquid terrors of my nighttime ordeal, so much so that I must replace them on a weekly basis.  This kitchen can fuck right off.


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