I feel that I’m being unjustly targeted by a swath of asshole falcons. I’ve never done anything to these falcons, and yet, they pursue me. They hang around my house, follow me down the street, and disrupt meetings with my employers. These foul birds bring darkness and misery to my every living day. I’ve encountered many shitty falcons in my life, and here, I will list twelve of the shittiest.
When I stopped to pull up my sock garters, this asshole swooped down and stole my ice cream cone. What a dick.
This falcon hangs around my back porch and hoots at my sister. I’m no expert, but falcons shouldn’t hoot, much less at my teenage sibling. I don’t trust his intentions.
Last Tuesday, a falcon flew in through my office window and attempted to couple with my cute cat poster. Sometimes, the only thing that gets me through the day is my happy poster of the adorable cat trying to hang from a tree limb. The last thing I need is falcon sperm all over my cute cat poster. Why do you hate me so, falcons?
This falcon broke into my house while I was on vacation, wore my clothes, and attempted to seduce my wife. Thankfully, I returned from Arkansas in time to uncover his clever deception. Our relationship has since descended into mistrust and resentment. I assure my wife daily that I am not a falcon in disguise, but I can see the doubt in her eyes.
I came home from spin class one afternoon to find this falcon rifling through my manga collection. How rude. All you had to do was ask, falcon.
Falcons circle over me like a dark cloud of doom. I recently went to a job interview, and because there were so many falcons flying over me, I arrived at my interview with my suit encrusted in bird excrement. My prospective employer seemed impressed, and asked if I was some sort of beastmaster. Sensing his admiration of falcons, I left without a word.
This falcon masqueraded as a helper animal. I invited him into my home, thinking he would assist me with daily tasks. Once he gained access to my most sacred of spaces, he stole my last Kit-Kat, and flew out the window. I am convinced that all falcons are duplicitous.
Wherever I go, I am still subjected to the chicanery of these shitty falcons. On a recent trip to Jamaica, a falcon landed on my beach umbrella and whispered to me the date and very moment of my death. Before I could ask how I could circumvent this horrible fate, the falcon took to the sky and was gone. Thanks a lot, falcons.
At first, I thought this was a hawk, but it turns out it’s just another one of those God damned falcons.
Falcons harass me even at the grocery store. I asked an employee of the store to direct me to the dairy aisle, and she replied with an unintelligible series of squawks and screams. I wasted two hours attempting to follow her instructions before I realized she was most likely a falcon in disguise. I now understand how my wife was so easily deceived by these shitty falcons.
This falcon flew overhead when I was heading to work, and shit in my hair. Falcon shit is thick, and sets in like plaster. I spent three hours trying to wash this falcon’s shit out of my hair, and when I arrived to work late, my manager chided me for my tardiness. I tried to explain that a falcon had shit in my hair, but he didn’t know what a falcon was. Falcons are mysterious, and operate in the shadows.
I recently attempted to log into my Facebook account, and found that the password had been changed. I spent three hours speaking to a representative of the company, and when I was finally able to log in, I found all of my profile pictures had been changed to pictures of falcons. They have it out for me, and I don’t know why. Falcons, please leave me alone.